Some days, it’s really easy to count the things I’m not grateful for: I’ve held on to too much weight after having the kids, I don’t ever have any time to slow down, everything is stressful, our renovation still isn’t done, I can’t fathom starting the next phase of work on the kitchen, the dishes aren’t done, the house is too much to keep up with…should I continue? It’s a long list.
Our constant pursuit of all the wants, needs and dreams often gets flooded by the laundry list of shoulds, need tos and why isn’t that done yets. It’s exhausting. Then, days like today creep in where our daycare didn’t go as planned, momma needs to get in a full day of work, daddy is sick on the couch and there are two babies in need of attention.
So, we opened the door to the deck.
This action alone is significant because just a few weeks ago, we had a single french door where our new double sliding door now resides. What was dark and full of muntons is now wide, bright and welcoming sunlight into our living room. With the gates of the deck closed, Isai can wander in and out as he pleases – squeezing every ounce of joy out of a 72º day in December.
These are the moments we aspire to. These are the moments that drift in and quickly away. And, when we don’t take the time to acknowledge they were here, we miss the reward of all the work, stress and exhaustion we put in to make them happen.
I cried over these doors. I stressed and argued and ordered and waited and stressed some more to get these doors here. For years, I wanted nothing more than to slide them open and let my babies play while I enjoyed the fresh air and watched them grow.
And here we are.
They grow more and more every day. It’s unreal. And we’re living that beautifully crafted moment right smack in the middle of our own madness.
It will never be magazine-level perfect. It will never be a serene, coifed vignette in which every single thing is flawless and the world around it doesn’t matter. The world around us does matter. Everything that is happening at any given moment does actually matter to us. Sometimes it’s going to be joyful and awesome, other times it might be a little rough. The point – we have to absorb these little wins as they come. We have to recognize that they’re here – we did it, we created what we set out for and we have exactly that – along with a whole lot of everything else we’re working toward.
Seeing Isai run, play and harass the cat on the deck really highlighted that. I have to be grateful that we are giving him everything we can – space to run, animals to love, exposure to the world, an opportunity to learn – and that, even while so much is in flux, we’re achieving everything we’ve wanted for our kids with exactly what we have here.
Even if there isn’t any sheetrock on the walls right now.